A while back, I read a great post on Martha Beck’s website called “The Willingness Factor: Learn to Avoid Avoidance” – it really resonated with me and I went out and bought the book she referenced, “Get Out of Your Mind & into Your Life” by Steven Hayes, PhD. As a linguist, the referential aspect really made sense – not only do we create our reality through the language we use to describe and codify it, we reinforce it through association. So when we engage in behaviors to avoid something painful (experientially or emotionally), we unwittingly create an association that reinforces the painful state we were trying to avoid in the first place, practically ensuring a destructive loop of avoidance and aversion.
The key to breaking the pattern, Hayes maintains, is to be WILLING to experience the painful state. There’s a whole lot of stuff here about mindfulness and intent as well as some pretty cool neurolinguistics – essentially ways to “step off the battlefield” as it were, so that you’re not fighting the fearsome state, nor are you trying to stop it – the battle may continue but you’re no longer at its mercy because you’re simply no longer engaging – it’s awfully Aikido if you ask me and I love it!
And that attribute – the willingness to experience a painful state but not to allow it to define your experience; the acceptance, rather than avoidance, of the discomfort – is what differentiates world class athletes (or anything, really) from the general population. They’ve taken this concept to a whole other level and we can all learn from them. They have learned to allow discomfort, fear, and even pain to be a natural part of their existence. As a result, when we may avoid pushing ourselves in the face of physical pain, humiliation or loss, discomfort or inconvenience, the world class performer simply acknowledges those as “table stakes” and gets on with playing the game.
That’s the edge; that’s the difference between being a talented underachiever and a gold medalist. That’s the difference between living a full and vibrant life, and always holding back. Life is a complete spectrum – to experience the best parts we have to allow the worst as well – after all, there is no light without dark. The difference is, we don’t have to fight the dark – when we allow it its natural place, we find we can move through it more easily – into the light and on to our highest potential.
The key to breaking the pattern, Hayes maintains, is to be WILLING to experience the painful state. There’s a whole lot of stuff here about mindfulness and intent as well as some pretty cool neurolinguistics – essentially ways to “step off the battlefield” as it were, so that you’re not fighting the fearsome state, nor are you trying to stop it – the battle may continue but you’re no longer at its mercy because you’re simply no longer engaging – it’s awfully Aikido if you ask me and I love it!
And that attribute – the willingness to experience a painful state but not to allow it to define your experience; the acceptance, rather than avoidance, of the discomfort – is what differentiates world class athletes (or anything, really) from the general population. They’ve taken this concept to a whole other level and we can all learn from them. They have learned to allow discomfort, fear, and even pain to be a natural part of their existence. As a result, when we may avoid pushing ourselves in the face of physical pain, humiliation or loss, discomfort or inconvenience, the world class performer simply acknowledges those as “table stakes” and gets on with playing the game.
That’s the edge; that’s the difference between being a talented underachiever and a gold medalist. That’s the difference between living a full and vibrant life, and always holding back. Life is a complete spectrum – to experience the best parts we have to allow the worst as well – after all, there is no light without dark. The difference is, we don’t have to fight the dark – when we allow it its natural place, we find we can move through it more easily – into the light and on to our highest potential.
I’m good at suffering through the discomfort while working out. I can see the results, immediate and long term. I have a harder time experiencing pain at work or for personal growth. I’m in a lot of pain right now and I don’t honestly know what I’m trying to avoid. I sit with the emotions and they overwhelm me, but that doesn’t seem to help. I’m not sure what will. Is the thing before me hard because I want it, or hard because I don’t want it? Is it worth the pain and suffering? I don’t know. Changing courses now feels like giving up in one way, a relief in another. But how am I to know what the right path is? Some of the greatest cyclists in the world say they win because they are willing to suffer through more pain than their competitors. But what if you don’t know what race you’re trying to win?
Francesca, your comment is HUGE – there is no glib response, for sure!
It seems to me that there’s a bunch behind this, and simply trying to deal with what is presenting prima facie would be ineffective. There are so many questions I’d want to ask, to drill down into the background here, and there are a few threads I’d explore in the process of coaching someone through a situation like this.
Here are some things to consider, and I hope they’re useful in any way:
What is your body saying to you about this situation? When you sit with the emotions and they overwhelm you, what happens in your body? An example: when I was struggling with a similar situation in my corporate career, contemplating the prospect of “sticking it out” practically suffocated me – my chest would get so painfully tight I could barely breathe; my gut would churn and I’d invariably get a headache – it felt like dread (and the longer I stayed in that situation the more my health suffered, to the point where I was ultimately forced to take a medical leave, BTW). When I contemplated a different path, yes I’d have an anxious tightness in my belly but there was an entirely different energy in my body – I felt more light/room in my head, my chest opened up and I could breathe. Your body is eloquent, Francesca – I’ve seen how it responds somatically to your situation. Listen to it! As an athlete, you know there’s good pain and bad pain, and they do feel very different.
I’d also ask you to consider what relief feels like and why you’d feel like you’re giving up if you change paths. What beliefs are feeding into that? What definitions of success have you swallowed? Does that sense of relief feel like respite on a hard path or a narrow escape from doom?
And finally (for here), you’re right – lacking clarity about what you want and which race you’re trying to win is absolutely going to contribute. Viktor Frankl said (I paraphrase of course) that the person who has a strong WHY can bear almost any HOW. If your WHY is clear (which goes to clarity around your core values as well as your definitions of success and clearing out unfinished business around some of your belief systems there), the HOW (the cost, the pain, the path/strategy to support the why) is simply table stakes.
So. Interested in exploring some of this further? You have the answers inside you – they may just need some help being teased out. I’d love to work with you on this or connect you with a coaching colleague who’d be able to help.