Shamwari

Shamwari

What Olympic Athletes Can Teach Us About Personal Growth

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A while back, I read a great post on Martha Beck’s website called “The Willingness Factor: Learn to Avoid Avoidance” – it really resonated with me and I went out and bought the book she referenced, “Get Out of Your Mind & into Your Life” by Steven Hayes, PhD. As a linguist, the referential aspect really made sense – not only do we create our reality through the language we use to describe and codify it, we reinforce it through association. So when we engage in behaviors to avoid something painful (experientially or emotionally), we unwittingly create an association that reinforces the painful state we were trying to avoid in the first place, practically ensuring a destructive loop of avoidance and aversion.

The key to breaking the pattern, Hayes maintains, is to be WILLING to experience the painful state. There’s a whole lot of stuff here about mindfulness and intent as well as some pretty cool neurolinguistics – essentially ways to “step off the battlefield” as it were, so that you’re not fighting the fearsome state, nor are you trying to stop it – the battle may continue but you’re no longer at its mercy because you’re simply no longer engaging – it’s awfully Aikido if you ask me and I love it!

And that attribute – the willingness to experience a painful state but not to allow it to define your experience; the acceptance, rather than avoidance, of the discomfort – is what differentiates world class athletes (or anything, really) from the general population. They’ve taken this concept to a whole other level and we can all learn from them. They have learned to allow discomfort, fear, and even pain to be a natural part of their existence. As a result, when we may avoid pushing ourselves in the face of physical pain, humiliation or loss, discomfort or inconvenience, the world class performer simply acknowledges those as “table stakes” and gets on with playing the game.

That’s the edge; that’s the difference between being a talented underachiever and a gold medalist. That’s the difference between living a full and vibrant life, and always holding back. Life is a complete spectrum – to experience the best parts we have to allow the worst as well – after all, there is no light without dark. The difference is, we don’t have to fight the dark – when we allow it its natural place, we find we can move through it more easily – into the light and on to our highest potential.

The Slippery Slope of Comparison

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Yesterday, Microsoft announced the appointment of their new CEO, Satya Nadella, a cool 46 year old with a 20+ year history with the company, an engaging manner and a vision that I hope will propel the company forward into an exciting new era.

This week I am facilitating some training at Microsoft and was privileged to be able to share the experience as I sat with a group of employees to watch the internal webcast introducing Satya to the company in his new role. As an ex employee, and continued supporter of the company, it gave me goosebumps to see the three CEOs, past and present (Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer and Satya Nadella), on stage together and to witness the passing of the leadership baton.

And in the back of my mind, an old dragon woke up and pointedly asked how I felt about the fact that Nadella is only a couple of years older than I am. I mean, he’s really successful, right? After all, he’s the CEO of one of the most influential companies in history, he has multiple degrees, a family and all that stuff… and he’s only 46. In comparison, what have I done with my life? Should I have pursued an executive path in the corporate world? What legacy will I leave? How successful am I really; what do my accomplishments add up to or stand for?

Yup, that crazy-making slippery slope of comparison. I was poised to slide all the way down that oily path to a dank and dark place of shame and inadequacy. Until I started to ask myself a few questions:

  • What makes me think I’m any less of a successful human being than Satya Nadella?
  • Is Satya Nadella’s success the kind of success I actually want?
  • Would I be prepared, or want, to pay the price required to achieve that kind of successs?
  • How, exactly, do I define success anyway? What does a successful life mean TO ME?
  • What are my values, and how have those values driven the decisions that have led me to my current situation?
  • If I’m not satisfied with where I am now, what changes can I make to change direction, accelerate trajectory or deepen experience?

The fact of the matter is that there will always be someone younger, prettier, richer, thinner, more “successful” (according to whatever criteria you apply), etc. than me. And conversely, I will always be that person to someone else. So how does it serve me to constantly compare myself to others? Others, whose paths are not mine. Others, who have different values than I. Others, who bring their own unique mix of skill, talent, history, environment and community to the mix.

Short answer is: it doesn’t. I have my own path to walk. I have my own value to bring. It doesn’t matter what other people bring. They are a different thread in the universal tapestry. What matters is that I am clear on how I define success for myself; that I am aligned to and living my values; that I am being the human being I want to be (and if I’m not, that I’m changing things to better reflect my truth).  And there’s a great deal of peace to be found in letting go of the comparisons, the arbitrary scorecards, the “shoulding” all over myself for not being something other than what I am. I own my destiny. I own my identity. My job is to live that, and not someone else’s.

Congratulations, Satya! I’m glad you’re living your truth, and I wish you every success in life, as YOU define it.

Asking Big: Critical Attributes for Success

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All too often we talk ourselves out of shooting for something big, telling ourselves it’s crazy to aim that high, or that we couldn’t possibly make something like that happen. But what if we were wrong? What if the opposite was also true, that the very thing we desire is actually entirely possible and we are absolutely able to make it happen?

Last weekend I was thrilled to facilitate a surprise meeting between an actor/independent film maker and an iconic Hollywood Director.  By rights, I should never have been able to make this happen but somehow I pulled it off. 

It is (understandably) very difficult to connect with celebrities, much less have them give up their precious time to meet with you. So how is it that I was able to not only get in contact with a Hollywood Director, but that he agreed to spend an hour of his time face to face with a complete stranger? Here are some key attributes that contributed to making the connection. 

First of all, I was curious. I started to wonder “what if…?” and “wouldn’t it be cool…?” and then “I wonder how…” – which led to some research and a whittling down of degrees of separation. When you’re curious you explore avenues of possibility, rather than convincing yourself of all the ways your dream will never work. By staying curious, I was also able to take myself out of the equation – without the ego’s insecure need to “succeed” there was no fear of failure, only an inquisitiveness about what might be possible.

Persistence came into play. Working through contacts to get in touch with the right people, and to actually connect with someone who could help, ultimately led to a conversation with a human being and some concrete next steps – no guarantees, of course. 

I was grateful. I had made some headway and certainly appreciated people’s help which, given that there was absolutely nothing for them in it, they certainly were not obliged to give. 

I was wholly truthful, respectful and authentic. Next, I had to write an email outlining my request and the reason for it, essentially a pitch. I re-wrote it a bunch of times, agonizing over how much detail to include, how personal to be, how to balance a polite request with a desperate plea… And then I threw out all my drafts and just wrote from the heart. I told them what I wanted. I reassured them I wasn’t asking for any favors and also let them know that I was determined to do what it took to make this thing happen. And then I told them why it was so important for me to give this person this particular gift. 

More gratitude! The next day a response came back that my request was being forwarded for consideration. Again, no guarantees. I couldn’t have asked for any more, really.

Then I let it go. I had done my best, and the outcome was now out of my hands. What
would be would be (incidentally, check out this good advice from actor Bryan Cranston on doing your best, what you can control, and walking away).

Long story short, the Director decided to make an exception and take the meeting – and it couldn’t have gone better if I’d scripted it myself! Exponential gratitude at this point. 

So to recap: what contributed to making something “impossible” like this happen?

  • Staying curious about possibilities and paths, taking my ego out of the equation.
  • Persistence. Persistence. Persistence.
  • Gratitude for every bit of progress along the way, and for the final outcome.
  • Letting go once I had done everything I could.
  • Authenticity and sincerity (the clincher). 

These attributes can be applied to any seemingly impossible undertaking and I believe they will stand you in good stead – I’d love to hear about what other attributes have helped you do something impossible or make a dream come true – share your comments and Happy Dream Making! 


So, what do you do?

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How does my work make a difference in the lives of my clients?

“What do you do?”

It looks like such an innocuous question, one that should have an easy answer. You want the person to walk away with more than just a label, but without seeing their eyes glaze over during an in-depth explanation of the intricacies of your work. Ideally, you want them to be intrigued, curious, perhaps even interested in following up.

This is something I’ve been playing with over the last couple of weeks. How to go from: “I’m a life coach, energy healer and an animal communicator” to something that will actually have meaning for the person hearing it – not just “what do I call myself”, not even
“what do I do”, but “how does my work make a difference in the lives of my clients (human and non-human)?”

At the core of it, people (and animals) live into stories that they tell themselves or that others have told for them. These narratives may or may not be serving their highest good, which is where I come in. As a coach, I help people explore and evolve their ideas of who they are, without judgment, so they can map and move into their unrealized potential – so
they can re-write their story in a way that better serves them. As an animal communicator, I facilitate the relationship between animals and their humans – again, helping to explore (and sometimes shatter) existing definitions of “self” and “other” to make way for a deeper bond and a more useful story moving forward. Often the two may overlap, with an animal proving to be an adept coach in themselves, and simply requiring a “translator” to get the message across! My healing work supports both of these efforts by providing additional intention and energy toward driving an outcome that is for the best and highest good of my clients.

In another post, I will cover the difference between coaching and therapy – particularly useful for when we introduce the equine-assisted component. They are different, and complementary, modalities that both contribute fabulously to personal transformation and growth, solo or in tandem.