Shamwari

Shamwari

Do coaches have coaches?

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PictureCoaches have coaches…
There’s a random little childhood nursery rhyme that goes, “Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite ’em. And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum” – always makes me want to sing “Every coach has a coach…” anyway, you get the drift – the short answer to the question is: Yes. The most effective coaches invariably do have their own coaches. Just as personal therapy is highly recommended for psychotherapists, coaches can benefit greatly from having a coach of their own. There are myriad benefits for the coach and the clients they subsequently work with.

I regularly attend workshops by other coaches, and have ongoing in-person and phone sessions with my coach – for me, this serves on a few important fronts:

1) I like to sit in the client’s chair from time to time so I don’t lose touch with their experience.

It’s easy as a coach to forget just how confronting, frustrating, emotional, enlightening and empowering a coaching session can be for someone, and putting myself back in that situation helps me maintain empathy and understanding. It’s a very important hubris check – as a coach, I’m not some elightened expert but rather a guide who is trained in helping people raise their consciousness around blocks in their lives so that they can decide what will be a better path moving forward. If I never sit in that space of struggle and discovery myself, it can be all too easy to forget my place as a coach.

2) Our work is never done, and your work is not the same as mine.

There are concepts in psychotherapy of “transference” and “countertransference”. These are normal occurrences in the therapeutic relationship wherein past feelings, conflicts, attitudes – unfinished business, if you will – are applied to present relationships, situations and circumstances. “Transference” is when the patient, or client, assigns meanings to their interaction with the therapist as a result of their unfinished business, and “countertransference” is when the therapist’s behaviors, reactions, thoughts and feelings toward the patient/client are determined by their own unfinished business.

Similar dynamics exist in a coaching relationship, and it is important, as a coach, for me to have sufficient self awareness to clearly “see” my client and differentiate their situation and experience from my own. I want to be careful to maintain as neutral and objective an observation of my client’s story as possible, and to respect their unique situation in order to more effectively help them to access their own inner wisdom about it, rather than leading them based on my projected interpretations, reactions or values. In Gestalt coaching, we are also trained to be careful not to become “confluent” with our client – that is, to maintain clear boundaries so that we can effectively support the client’s own path and process rather than merging it with our own.

Coaches aren’t “gurus” – we’re human beings on our own path of growth, and of course our experiences inform our intuition and awareness. Our integrated self, however, is a sensitive instrument that we can use to help our clients along their own path of discovery as long as we make sure to “calibrate” and keep appropriate perspective. We do this by regularly addressing our own personal unfinished business, and maintaining awareness of boundaries (what is the client’s “stuff” vs what is ours) so that we avoid the traps of projection and confluence.

3) Constant and Never Ending Improvement

This is a core tenet for me, and something reinforced by the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method I am currently working towards certification in – we coaches are always adding to our “toolkit” so that we can better serve our clients, whether it be new information, techniques, perspectives or qualifications. By actively collaborating and working with other coaches, including being coached by them, I open myself up to all of these and my clients benefit as a result.

On a purely operational level in addition to the personal work that gets done, I also learn through observation at every workshop or coaching session I attend – whether it’s small logistics details or big group dynamic a-ha’s – seeing what works and what can be tweaked in a live situation is invaluable as I plan future offerings.

You should always feel comfortable asking your coach if they themselves are coached, and use your intuition and awareness to decide what to do based on their response. If you ever feel that your coach is not able to maintain perspective, is rigid in their approach or technique, or simply isn’t effectively partnering with you to achieve the outcome you have mutually agreed on, find a better fit – your life is too important to waste stuck in any sub optimal coaching situation!

(c) Lorrin Maughan 2014

Employee or Corporate Slave? YOUR choice!

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Picture#stress #helplessness #fatigue
The other day a friend posted this on their Facebook wall “worked 7:30-4:00 on my ‘vacation day'”, so I asked why they chose to do that. Their response? “I work at [insert name of global technology company here], ’nuff said.”
Interesting. And a paradigm I used to subscribe to, by the way. It’s a very seductive corporate culture that is not unique to that company, although it is particularly strong there. This concept that routinely subjugating your priorities and blurring your boundaries on behalf of the corporation is somehow “just the way it is” and something you should accept if you want to work/do well at the company is not unusual in the corporate world. 

Well, I call foul, and not because of the company’s expectations – after all, in spite of what the Supreme Court says, a corporation is not a person. It’s more like a refrigerator: you put stuff in, you get stuff out… it’ll take whatever you put into it, and it cannot see you as a human being. So when we fall in love with the company we are employed by; when we invest emotionally into its wellbeing above our own, we’re making a big mistake. I used to see it as a Human Resources professional all the time – the absolute collapse of a person’s sense of self if they were let go for whatever reason; the devastation caused by events completely out of their control, like re-organizations… They had given their soul to a soulless entity and were horrified when that entity couldn’t reciprocate. Yes, the people in a corporation have soul – they can choose to behave respectfully and manage effectively. But all too often, we identify with the company itself. How many times have I heard that “Company XYZ treats its employees like rubbish (or treats them well)”? It’s not the company that does it, it’s the individual managers and, having worked at the tech company my friend above mentioned on his Facebook wall, I could paint that place in a thousand different colors depending on which job/group/year/manager I’m thinking about when I do.

But back to the core issue here. Since when did it become accepted practice for adult professionals to abdicate responsibility for our lives?? Where did we pick up this resigned shrug and “well, I work at ABC Corporation so I’m going to have to behave like an indentured servant because that’s just the way it works here” attitude? Who made it a prerequisite of employment that we routinely sacrifice time with our families, our health (sleep, anyone?? how about those stress levels?), the hobbies that give us peace, pleasure and balance? Why do we feel we have no choice but to do this; that we’re helpless cogs in the corporate machine? I see this pattern over and over – in my friends, in my clients… and it’s a complete myth! Employment does not equal indentured servitude – it is a contract of fair trade: something of value (your time, expertise, effort) is offered in return for consideration (remuneration, benefits, advancement). That’s all. Nowhere does that contract imply that you have to sacrifice your whole person wellness by working unsustainable hours and putting the company’s demands ahead of important things like your health, or time with your family. In fact, things like the 40 hour work week and benefits like paid vacation time were fought for and won in order to give you the power to set and defend those boundaries. And it’s good business for companies to have a healthy, happy, balanced workforce – fewer precious dollars lost to stress and medical leaves, high turnover, poor PR from resentful employees etc.

“But”, I hear you cry, “sacrifices have to be made if we’re to progress or outperform our peers in a competitive environment!” I agree. And YOU decide what’s most important to you. YOU decide what you’re going to sacrifice, and to what end. YOU define the boundaries and how permeable they are. NOT the corporation. This attitude of helplessness and resignation is unbecoming and disempowering. And it’s based on a myth of powerlessness. Many of the people higher on the corporate ladder than you, more “successful” than you, have maintained their boundaries. They delegate (often to the people who are laboring under the delusion that they “must” work all hours, answer every email, never let a ball drop), they say NO, they are clear with their priorities. And, whether they’d admit it or not – whether they’re even aware of it – every one of them has made very clear and conscious trade-offs to be where they are.

So I’m saying to you: feel free to give your vacation time back to your employer. Feel free to choose work over sleep or exercise, or a home-cooked meal. Feel free to give the company time you might otherwise spend with people or doing things you love. But stop pretending you have no choice in the matter, because you do. YOU are the one making daily decisions about, and living according to, your priorities. At least own that and be honest with yourself. Your actions, your behaviors show where your priorities lie – not your protestations. Even if you don’t make a change in your actions, take back your power: acknowledge that you are choosing the way things are right now, and that’s a valid choice for you in service to your true priorities (as they stand currently). Just shifting your perspective to one of ownership and accountability can make a difference in how you show up – being intentional about your life and choices is deeply empowering and can even make some of those yucky trade offs you need to make feel less like an imposition. 

When I’m coaching clients, we will inevitably do work around values – getting clear on them; identifying where our lives and values are misaligned; how they drive our priorities and choices – because a lot of the time at the crux of those feelings of being stuck, helpless and overwhelmed is a lack of clarity about, and commitment to, our top values. When we’re out of alignment we hurt – as with our body, as with our soul. When we’re in alignment we experience ease and empowerment. Re-aligning can take some work though – it’s not always comfortable while we’re in process – AND it pays dividends that are so, so worth it, I can promise you that!

What are you going to do today, to take back your power and be more intentional about your choices?

Wax On, Wax Off: Seven Life Lessons from the Martial Arts

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As I threw myself into what felt like the thousandth forward roll of the evening in last night’s martial arts class, I thought about how the practice of a martial art can reinforce some of life’s more valuable lessons. Here are some examples:

1. You have to trust yourself.
I’ll admit it, I’m frightened of throwing myself to the ground because I don’t want to get hurt (sound familiar? A bit like LIFE, perhaps?). The irony is that, when you commit to something like a roll, your fear of pain is almost always exactly what WILL get you hurt – it makes you hesitate, hold back, and tense up when what you need to do is trust yourself, leverage the momentum and commit. The more you trust your training, your body and the flow, the more relaxed and fluid you are, and the less likely you are to hurt yourself.

2. Power is not the same as brute strength. And you need to OWN your power.
One of my instructors is a lady in her 70s. Looking at her, you wouldn’t think that she could hold her own against a big, brawny chap intent on bringing her down, but looks can be deceiving – she is a very powerful woman who can convincingly hold her own with poise and grace. She brings power to her practice through centering, effectively leveraging biomechanics, and pulling strength from her core. It’s one of the reasons we vocalize (Ki Hap) when executing certain moves in our martial art – when done right, it tightens the core and focuses the energy, maximizing power. It’s also fairly startling in its volume – I have a soft voice normally, but when I use my Ki Hap well, I fill a room (and break boards).

3. Suck it up, Buttercup.
Life can be hard. So can Karate. You’re going to get hurt, you’re going to have to push yourself, you’re going to think you won’t make it or get through. And guess what? You mitigate risk of injury as best you can but you don’t let your fear of it stop you from trying, from giving your all. If you DO push yourself, you WILL get through – and you’ll have accomplished something empowering and powerful. You will have reached into yourself and found strength, resilience, capability and dignity. If you give up just because it’s hard, you’re missing an opportunity to be a better you.

4. Details matter.
In martial arts, form doesn’t follow function, it IS function. Small details matter, such as your stance, how you “chamber” punches and blocks, how you use your body to add torque. Your attitude, your precision, your balance – they all play into each other to create power and stability. When you rush through something to get it done, rather than taking the time to learn and execute it properly, you develop bad habits and increase your risk of injury (to yourself and others) through sloppy application. Take the time and focus on getting it right in practice, starting with the basics, so that when you need to call on your training, you are most effective.

5. Excellence is a habit.
Following on from the previous point – martial artists are big on discipline. Martial arts are not actually about beating people up or being too cool for school. They are about disciplining the mind and body, respecting others, behaving with integrity. Ultimately true martial artists are peacekeepers – they do not resort to violence without cause. But if necessary, they can apply deadly force. That kind of power requires both mental and physical discipline, and the application of good judgment. Discipline requires practice though, and precision. Focused practice builds muscle memory, stamina, strength, judgment. Practice in and of itself is valuable – it can be a kind of moving meditation, helping keep you in the moment and honing your skills. To be a master at anything you need a minimum of 10,000 hours of deep practice – however all masters know the truth of the next point.

6. Everyone and everything is your teacher.
Black belts learn from each other and also from teaching and mentoring the newbie white belts. You learn when you finally “get” a form or a technique after trying and trying and trying. You learn when you misjudge or get ahead of yourself in a sparring match, and receive a resounding blow to the head or are taken down by a more experienced sparring partner. You learn when you watch someone make the thing you’re terrified of trying look so easy. You learn when your instructor calls you out for the thousandth time on a seemingly insignificant detail. Martial artists consider reaching their black belt to be when the real learning starts – we are all students for, and of, life. I’m coming back into my martial art after being away for a few years and so, instead of coming in with my brown belt and assuming seniority, I’ll be training as a white belt for a good year before re-testing to keep my brown. Why? Because this isn’t about ego. It’s about humbly re-learning and applying practice. I’m good with this because, as a white belt, I’m being given the opportunity to go back to the basics and I’m able to more effectively assimilate lessons I may have glossed over in my earlier training. See and take learning opportunities for what they are and grow from them.

7. Be present and pay attention.
Right now I’m going through some tough times on a personal front and I am so grateful for the couple of hours three times a week that I’m in the dojang, focusing and practicing and learning. Just as when you’re working with horses (and I’m grateful for the time every day that I spend with my horse, who also demands my undivided attention), there is no room for daydreaming in the martial arts – not when you’re in the dojang. Focused attention is required, and you must be 100% in the moment. That will keep you safe and uninjured. That will allow you to practice with grace, precision and power. That may one day keep you alive. I’m finding right now that it IS keeping me alive, in a very real sense, by giving me respite from demons gnawing at my heart right now. It’s allowing me to practice mindfulness and it’s creating a healing space in my life. Do you have something in your life right now that allows you to be fully present and focused? If not, find something. Even if it’s 10 minutes at a time, absolute concentration can do wonders for the soul.

I’m learning that everything in life is an art and a practice. And it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being in the flow. It’s about learning and growing, and being the best YOU possible. It’s about claiming your power and owning your story. Being present, focused, diligent and disciplined can help you find the grace in life. Here’s to the martial artist in all of us!

Forty Days and why Lent is an Opportunity

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Today is the first day of Lent. In my faith this is a period where, as part of our spiritual practice, we choose to give up or take up something of meaning for the next 40 days. While there are different opinions and perspectives on the true meaning of Lent, I choose to use it as a time to refocus on my values and recalibrate my spiritual compass.

Lately things have been pretty challenging for me on a number of fronts. I’m grateful for the abundance of work coming my way right now AND it’s been super stressful and tiring to be on the road so much and away from my critters. I’m blessed to have experienced an amazing connection with a wonderful member of my soul family AND heart broken to have had it ripped away so fast due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m privileged to offer support to friends who are going through their own personal versions of hell AND suffering alongside of them can be draining. I’m relieved to have started doing some deep work to resolve the grief I carry in my heart – especially since my Dad’s death a couple of years ago – AND it has stirred up a hornet’s nest of emotion with connections to so much other unfinished business, which is exhausting, scary and plain hard. At this point, my brain can tell me all it likes that all of this is part of a grander story, and that I’m exactly where I need to be but my heart hurts, I’m afraid and I’m tired. To be honest, there are days I’ve felt so overwhelmed and depleted that I haven’t wanted to get out of bed…  I hate to admit that I have found myself falling into a trap I have Strong Opinions about (and will be posting on shortly) – that noxious, sneaky Victim mindset. Wait a second! I’ve chosen almost everything I’m dealing with right now and, even if I haven’t chosen the circumstances, I still retain my ability to choose how I respond to them!

So what does any of this have to do with Lent? Well, it’s a timing thing: I’m going to take the opportunity to use the next 40 days to “give up” my attachment to specific outcomes and to “take up” a commitment to trust the process (and in that, God/Spirit/the Universe). Sounds so easy right? In a word, surrender. Not a concept that naturally sits well with a hard driver and a control freak like me!

It’s going to take mindfulness, acceptance, a willingness to “lean in” to the tough stuff, and a million conscious choices: to focus on responsible self care (including setting and respecting boundaries, prioritizing what I take on according to my values and not just my bank balance; eschewing junk “comfort” food in favor of nourishing REAL food, and so on); to send blessings and good energy to people and situations without taking on their energy or being defeated by things I can’t affect; to be aware of my how my body supports any given mental state, and to adjust my body language accordingly (this great TED talk reminded me of how our body language is also part of our self talk, and that our neurobiology can be shifted as a result of how we hold ourselves physically). When those dragons of fear and depression start snapping, I know I have the tools, the capability and the discipline to choose a more constructive mindset, so this year Lent is about walking the talk. Because the only way I am going to be an instrument for the greater good is to be a living example of the principles I hold and espouse.

My question to you is: how can you use the next 40 days to improve your life? You don’t need to be Christian or observe Lent, or have any spiritual or religious belief system – but you can start NOW…